As an 80s kid who loved going to the theater, there were certain things we could never imagine seeing on the big screen. While Star Wars opened up the possibilities for Sci-Fi in film, paving the road for Terminator and Aliens, fantasy epics like Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings were beyond anything we could dream of, and the movies in the genre we did get: Legend, Labyrinth, and Willow, were largely hampered by the limited technology of the time. Detailed models and robot-controlled cameras convinced us spaceships could do battle in the stars, but what about dragons? Superheroes? Christopher Reeve brought Superman to life in ’78, but that was the exception, and even then, the original Man of Steel looked little like his comic book counterpart. All this changed when Tobey Maguire suited up for Spider-Man in 2002. By then, CGI had evolved enough that Iron Man, The Hulk, and Thor jumped onto the silver screen, ushering in a new genre of movies and television.
By now you may be thinking, did I click on the wrong link? What does this have to do with nudism? Well, here’s the thing: we’re living in an unprecedented time when just about everything exists for your viewing pleasure: obscure superheroes nobody’s heard of? Check. Every Sci-Fi and fantasy book ever written? Coming soon! Every lustful thought dredged from the depths of your sicko mind? Google and you’ll find it. But when I was fourteen, just getting my hands on a Playboy magazine made me feel like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible. To acquire this forbidden item, I had to stealth my way into a bookstore, sneak the magazine from the top shelf, copy the publisher’s address, stuff a $20 into an envelope, and guard the mailbox for weeks lest my parents discover my purchase. Today, I can conjure a five-guy-on-one girl pileup on my phone in seconds. Truly, we are living in an age of excess. Everything and anything is possible except for, you guessed it… innocent nudity on film and TV. Educating Julie was released in the ’60s, and Act Naturally came out in 2011, but if I wasn’t interested in nudism, I wouldn’t have enjoyed these movies, and neither would you. Nudist films are B-worthy at best, and even the few that exist can be counted on one hand. We need a lot more. We need big budget epics starring nudist heroes! We need Game of Thrones-level filmmaking here, where the nudity isn’t just titillating, but the norm. We need Ages of Aenya: The Movie!!!
So, um, does anyone have 200 million dollars I can borrow?
Ages of Aenya: The Movie could change how people think about body shame, and this is the perfect time to do it. Audiences are getting tired of superheroes, and we’ve already seen just about every fantasy and Sci-Fi trope a thousand times. And a generation raised on PornHub is far less likely to be offended by casual nudity. From Deadpool to Logan to Westworld, interest in R-rated fantasy content is growing. Now, for all you die-hards saying, “Nick, nudism isn’t supposed to be adults only!” I wholeheartedly agree, but the general public doesn’t understand that and will never come around to our way of thinking unless we show them what casual nudity actually looks like. Once nudity goes mainstream, it may be as acceptable to younger viewers as all the blood and gore gushing from The Walking Dead (and really, isn’t a nipple less harmful to kids’ brains than seeing someone’s brains splattered all over the screen?). More importantly, Ages of Aenya should not be marketed as a nudist movie, because nothing drives consumers away faster than “-ists” and “-isms.” Ages of Aenya (or The Feral Girl) should be advertised for what it is: an epic fantasy adventure that just so happens to include lots and lots of casual nudity. That’s something the public can get behind, because the public loves nudity!
So if you’re reading this long after my death and you happen to be a billionaire filmmaker looking for the next big thing, here’s how I think an Ages of Aenya movie should go.
Presentation is key. Google “nudity” and lots of engorged genitals will appear, and also people having sex. This is what perpetuates the nudity = sex myth. Now, the trick to making this movie accessible to the moviegoing public is to ease them into it. We don’t want to shock the viewer, but we also don’t want any comical Austin Powers-type situations where random objects keep censoring the actors’ privates.
As director, I would open the film with a wide shot: a beautiful, otherworldly landscape with white-mist waterfalls, towering oak trees, and exotic flowers in a myriad of colors. In that same shot, standing in a tree, we’d spot Thelana from the rear (female nudity is more acceptable, as are butts, so we’ll start with that). Now that the viewer is aware of her body, I’d cut to a full-frontal medium shot, revealing her from the knees up, holding there for several seconds to let the viewer take it in. While the actor’s vulva won’t stay hidden, lighting, shadows, and color grading will give the scene a moody, evocative look, similar to what Zack Snyder did in 300.
We’ll then cut to a close-up of our skyclad heroine from the shoulders up, where the camera will stay focused most of the time. We’ll shoot much of the film this way, intercutting between wide and close-up shots, with the occasional medium shot during moments of action. In every scene, shadows, lens focus, and foreground elements, like leaves and branches, will frame the actors’ bodies, not to hide anything specific, but to give the film an artistic, tactful vibe. Likewise, there will never be an “ogle” shot anywhere in the movie, no zooming into or roving around the genitals, nothing for incels to drool over (at least not without the aid of freeze framing). By the close of the film, after the audience has spent a good two hours watching Xandr and Thelana freely roam the lands of Aenya, I might close on a fully-lit medium shot, with their bodies on full display, at which point, I would hope, the viewer will begin to see humanity the way nudists do.
My Thelana fan cast
Now, I’d be remiss not to mention the actors’ contribution to this venture. No matter how tastefully the director handles the nudity, selling the idea of naturist heroes will rely heavily on the actors’ ability to play their roles with confidence. While it is not uncommon for Hollywood stars to go “au natural” on camera, an accurate Ages of Aenya or The Feral Girl film will take the “skin flick” to a level audiences have never seen. Contractually, the actors would have to agree to appear without a stitch for most of the film. Appearing utterly self-assured and shameless, wearing nothing but dirt, sweat, and blood, will be the performers’ biggest challenge, as even a hint of shyness would betray the role. Emilia Clarke, who went unabashedly Full Monty for several scenes as Daenerys Targaryen in Game of Thrones, regretted her exposure and pushed for more modesty in later seasons. The actress portraying Thelana should have no such reservations and, ideally, should embrace showing us her all. Adult performers will no doubt jump at the chance to break into Hollywood, stripping down without a qualm, but can they act? A young Bo Dereck or Helen Mirren (an avowed nudist) would have fit the role perfectly.
Another challenge is fitness. The people playing Xandr and Thelana would have to chisel their bodies into superheroic shape, lifting weights while maintaining a strict diet. While nudism accepts all body types, moviegoers love physically fit heroes, and without costumes to hide their imperfections, the actors playing these roles would be required to work themselves into the ideal (albeit unnatural) human specimen. (Maybe, for this reason, we’ll include a scene in the Ilmarin village showcasing all kinds of body types.)
Based strictly on appearance, my Thelana fan cast is Olympic long-jumper Chantae McMillan (above). As for Xandr, I’d have to go with football player Tod Clever, or someone who looks like him. Of course, looking and playing the part are two different things, and even if these athletes could act, would they even be willing to put themselves on display like that? Sure, they had little problem shedding their uniforms for ESPN Magazine, but would Chantae agree to going full-frontal for a two-hour movie? Would Tod want his penis dangling about while swinging a sword into a CGI merquid’s neck? With their careers on the line, and a film as experimental and unprecedented as this one, I imagine only pornstars taking the risk. Gail Ward vanished from the social scene following Educating Julie, becoming a nudist in real life. Then again, Thandie Newton’s career proved resilient following her role as an oft-naked android in HBO’s Westworld.
Perhaps, by the time a movie like this gets greenlit, computers will have evolved to the point that CGI humans will look 100% convincing. AI is pretty much here already, but I hesitate to go this route, not wanting to support an industry that puts filmmakers’ jobs at risk. Either way, a computer-driven film would give the director more control, so that if an actress’s boobs jiggle too much, or an actor’s penis flails in a way that distracts from the action, the director can adjust it. The best option might be a combination of CGI, AI, and live action: real actors for the slow scenes and computer-modeled doubles for the action. If an actor or actress feels uncomfortable showing us their goods, they can always wear blue-screen underwear, like Jessica Alba in Machete. Then again, in the not-so-distant future, public nudity may become so ubiquitous that no actor will care what they are or aren’t wearing, so long as they’re starring in a good movie.
So, is an Ages of Aenya movie in our future? I certainly hope so! But first, I think, I’m gonna have to sell a few more books!
All they have to do is one of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ works accurately.
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I admit, Burroughs did it first in “A Princess of Mars,” but I do not think Burroughs was a naturist himself, and there is very little naturist philosophy expressed in his works. It was easy for Disney to remove the nudity from John Carter and have the movie make sense, but a film about a clothed Xandr and Thelana would be more difficult because the nudity represents a big part of their culture and identity.
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